Knowing When to Help Others

I was recently at the grocery store checkout line. There was an older man in front of me in one of those carts to drive around the store in. He was with a woman and they were unloading the basket on the cart. She moved up to watch the scan go through and I watched him struggle with a 24-can case of soda that was by his feet. In order to place it on the conveyer, he would have to turn nearly backwards. He appeared to be struggling, so, I tried to help him.

He jerked the case away and gave me a mean look. I backed off and apologized saying that I was just trying to help. He placed the soda on the conveyer, smiled and thanked me.

I was raised to be helpful. I understand that as people age, they can feel insulted by kind gestures. How do I know when to help someone and when not to? I don't want to insult someone, but I also don't want them to hurt themselves either.

It is wonderful to be helpful, and Miss Manners commends you. But surely you know the old story about the Boy Scout who kindly helped an old lady across the street, having neglected to inquire whether she wanted to cross the street. She didn't.

For all you know, the poor gentleman might have thought you were going to wrest his soda away from him and march off with it. Next time, please ask, "Would you like some help with that?" before you grab.

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I am currently in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and we have been talking about marriage. The situation is this: his former wife passed away nearly 2 years ago and they did not have any children together. His wife, however, had two daughters from a previous marriage.

What is the proper way to deal with his deceased wife's diamond ring? He would like to trade it in on a new ring for me but doesn't want to cause any hard feelings with his step-daughters. Is he obligated to offer an $8000 ring to one of the daughters just because he was married to their mother? Also, should I offer to trade in the ring from my previous marriage? I am divorced and have 2 children.

Surely if the wife had wanted her daughters to have the ring, she could have left it to them, as it was hers to dispose of as she liked. And as the husband apparently inherited it, it is now his to dispose of as he likes. Just as your ring from your previous marriage is yours, etc.

But any old lawyer could have told you that. What worries the gentleman is the emotional element. Miss Manners questions whether there is any.

If the daughters had wanted the ring -- and just how would he split one ring between the two of them? -- they might have said so when their mother died. And that they should have had a sentimental attachment to the symbol of their mother's marriage to someone she married after their father seems unlikely.

It is, however, true that people sometimes develop far-fetched sentiments when diamonds are involved. For that reason, Miss Manners suggests that the gentleman not provoke such a possibility by discussing his plans. Seeing you wearing the stones in an unrecognizable setting should not then set off any alarms.